kinda working is working

I quit my last job almost 5 months ago (12/23/05). It was a job I accepted in haste after moving to NYC in December '04. I had reservations about working at this large corporate worldwide advertising agency on a large corporate global account... because I had previously quit my smaller scale advertising job in LA a few months before moving to NYC, and even then did not trust that this line of work would 'suit' me anymore...

But I was curious about the experience, didn't know how else to make money, and was eager to get my life rolling in the city.

Long story short... after a year of feeling miserable, depressed and overworked, I decided it was time to move on. Ultimately I was no longer interested in playing, and was content to move on with the experience-perspective I had gained... both good and bad. The game was never really any fun, and it had gotten sickenly stale.

So I proceeded to spend a couple of months in winter hibernation choosing to be miserable and depressed unemployed instead... but able to indulge in simple pleasures like oversleeping, chatting online, fixing meals, doing a whole lotta yoga and watching re-runs of sex in the city.

By March, I figured it was time to start bringing in some income... so began interviewing, and contacted a temp agency. But my heart wasn't into it - It was all more an act of desperation really. I took a one day temp assignment in the HR deptartment of an engineering company. The HR director was very pleasant, but the day was a drag... and I came up with too many reasons not to accept any further assignments. In my interviews, I felt completely at ease - something I had never felt before. I used to read Calvin & Hobbes comics before my job interviews to lighten up my spirit and calm my nerves... but now, I just didn't care much about the final result.

To keep the job search rolling, one of my best buddies in LA suggested I contact his parents who could potentially offer some business contacts. Instead, they offerred me a job. Their executive recruiting business was booming, and they asked if I wanted to help out part time, scoping out candidates. A great hourly wage, working from my apt., making my own hours - it sounded too good to be true. In the spirit of new adventures, I happily accepted.

It has been 2 months now... and I am very grateful for this opportunity, although I have to admit its been full of ups and downs. There was the initial rush of getting started, and successfully filling a couple of positions very quickly - which can probably be attributed to the "principle of favorability, beginners luck." I happened to be reading "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho at the time, and came to believe that "...when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

With a new assignment, I can keep myself busy, making a healthy income to sustain nyc living, but then I go through days, weeks with nothing to show... my work hours can easily dry up... as I go though extended periods of self-doubt. I still feel a bit lost as to what I am doing career wise, but I think that is more indicative of my perpetual mindset, rather than my current state of being.

But overall, I am learning. This week has been rough, since I am at a standstill without work to do. But that is part of the nature of the job... and its part of a bigger lesson I am learning. I have been happiest when I stop worrying about where the next candidate will come from, or holding my breath for the next chapter of my life to unfold... and instead just focus on the task at hand, and enjoy the process. It's such a basic principle in life, yet every time I am reminded to live in the moment, it still feels like such a revelation.